Thursday, April 5, 2012

Life After Fictional Death

Lying awake every night for what seemed like an eternity, but in truth lasted only a couple of hours, I watched the shadows dancing against the flickering lights of lamp posts through the few remaining hours of twilight. Each motion silently mocking me for all the foolishness that my ignorance and vulnerability has cost me. As I hear my roommate snap the metal door of our apartment shut, I couldn't help but feel a crippling sense of nausea, of hopelessness trying to grab hold, fighting to take control of me. Dragging me down to the darker uncharted aspects of my already-fragile soul. Each thought, each emotion hit me harder than the last. My mind quickly tried to come up with coping mechanisms to deal with the endless barrage that I was being subjected to, rationalizing every detail vividly and perfectly in my head to, somehow, help me partially understand the events that transpired these last three weeks. Of how even with all my preparation, what could have gone wrong, went wrong and what was supposed to pass me by without incident became a violent life-altering struggle.

These past weeks I kept thinking and all my conscious pondering led me to one logical, universally-fitting, hard-earned conclusion. I've been building my life as one would a house of cards; every card passing by swiftly, with but a flick of the wrist I hold a different card showing an exciting new adventure in my life. I was almost never able to get over nor finish most of what I've started. It was as if each phase in my life lasted only as long as the time it took for me to place a card quickly yet strategically on top of the last, creating my hasty masterpiece, my flimsy work of art. As life moved on, I saw numerous vital areas in my life that were incomplete, lacking the mastery that I deemed necessary to succeed, this prompted me to go over every foundation properly to further accentuate my magnificent facade. I built something so wondrous that even I was blinded; for all my plans and back-up plans, my actions and counteractions, I failed to grasp the fundamental principle that an architecture which alters with the slightest tap of the table, the sudden gust of each morning breeze will never be stable enough to go through this storm that we call life, there's just too many variables to consider. I knew one day my magnificent wonder would inadvertently come crashing down, but I was to engrossed, too engaged in the moment. Everything was too addicting I wouldn't stop. Finally, everything came down hard. Every card I placed like the decisions I've made, burying me down under for weeks, weighing me down as I try to grab hold of what I thought was important while trying to keep everything together. I knew, at that point in time, the life that I had was over. Forever.

For weeks I sank deeper into non-existence, not even calling out, choosing to wallow in my little pond, drenched in regret and remorse. I ignored everyone who stretched out their hand to help me. I even pulled some down with me, not even considering how they felt or what they were going through at that point in time. I was on a path to ruination and damnation, condemning myself for the life I chose. Still with false ideations I selfishly dragged those that I deemed worthy to wade in these dark waters with me. Wondering, with taints of hatred in my soul, why they didn't want to. I wanted people to see the shattered world that I painted in my mind by looking through my mournful eyes. I've been so immersed in myself that with bitterness and ignorance I scared everyone away until one day I hurt someone who was just trying to help me and because of that I was emboldened to step out of the black pit and back into the sunlight to become who I was, but better, empowered, driven. I now feel purpose. I know I'm on the right path to become who I was meant to be. Thank you to all those who've been with me through another ordeal in life. To those who stood in front of me, showing me by example that life must go on, I see you and through your actions I decided to step forward, towards you. To those who stood behind me, just holding me close whispering in my ear, words of comfort and encouragement, healing my wounds so that I may rise to continue my battle with life; and to you who stood beside me, with your odd sense of humor and frank honesty, you made me laugh in spite of it all, you were the stars in a time of darkness. Your gentleness and compassion gave me hope that somewhere in this world there's an aspect of life that I have yet to discover.

Thank you so much for all your support! Because of all of you, I now wake each day with determination and purpose. I've been given a new perspective in life, one that I truly cherish and strive to make better.